Oh G-d, what a strange cruel trick dost thou play on me. A trick of nature many have taken for granted. Yet I cannot let it pass without some form of grievance.
How is it that I am turning 30?
I have only just begun to see that I am no longer a child and can begin to think of myself as a woman. I have only now begun to feel comfortable in my own skin. I have only just begun to see the world in a better light, and to see people for who they simply are.
How can it be that when I am still just beginning to learn, another page in my life has turned on me, and left me all befuddled?
How is it that you have turned on me so quickly, like a blinking of an eye, before I have begun to stand up from the whirlwind challenges of my youth. As Solomon has said-like the fleeting shadow of a bee. You cannot grasp it, cannot stop it, cannot control it. You can barely even see it. How can so many years of our lives be summed up in such a way?
Life. Life is a sum of who we are and who we’ve made ourselves to be. What we’ve done, what we’ve seen. Life should be lived. I do believe in this. But I have barely had time to brush my teeth and get out the door, when I am pushed back down and told I have turned another year older.
I do not accept it. Do you hear? I am on strike from the birthday gods. I am starting to make my own birthday. When I feel I am ready to be old, then I will have another one. It will be one very long year.
You see, I do not feel I fit the criteria for being 30.
Yes, I have all the appropriate signs of age. My little laugh lines are creeping up on me, my bones are becoming weary, and my eyesight hasn’t gotten any better. My children are getting bigger too, as the world around us turns and dates us in the process. So yes, if you look at it that way, I have turned 30, and I qualify.
But deep down, my soul is saying I still think young. I still question things, question people, and religion. I am curious about the world. Have a desire to see all the wonders of exotic places that my friends have seen. That they may have seen with less open eyes. And possibly jaded hearts. With a lack of wonder that I am sure to feel and experience. If only I am given a chance to see it all.
And furthermore, the possibilities in the creative realm have only just begun to open up to me. To beckon to me. And I am listening to their call.
I will not take this life for granted. I will remember this feeling. This feeling of being cheated of time. And I will use it to my advantage. No more cheating on me. You see.
I am onto you.
Amen!
ReplyDelete